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A woman and her partner entered my social sphere shortly before Christmas. We connected and socialized a few times, quite often she'd come over for a quick visit or we'd go grab a coffee - usually just her and I, and mainly due to the different working hours. Interestingly, I'd frequently catch her gawking at my crotch, and I also picked up on sexual energy, and/or attraction occurring. So today I put the cards on the table.

I shared with her that I was experiencing things on an attraction and/or sexual attraction level with her. She said, "Yeah, I kinda sensed that myself." Now remember, this woman has continually presented herself as someone who doesn't bullshit around, comes straight to the point, and tends towards bluntness, frankness, and honesty. Her response left the whole responsibility for the experience of sexual or attraction energy squarely upon my shoulders. She didn't own up to anything, although show did in fact have a sense that it existed. Intriguing.

So here's the rub: I was not initially attracted to her, nor is she the type of woman I've ever been attracted to before.  Looking at her, I can see that she is quite attractive, and the conversations related to matters of spirit, etc., are fantastic and leave a great deal of room for exploration and further connection. It's truly wonderful. Yet, she is not the woman I would have found myself attracted to traditionally. The attraction I began to feel came about as our relationship deepened through our conversations, and even so, knowing she was in relationship I respected those boundaries.

It wasn't until I began noticing the crotch-gawking that I began to experience something more, and in particular, an encounter over at their place that suddenly wanted to propel me across the room and latch to her lips in a deep kiss. That moment shocked me and surprised me, particularly since I wasn't even looking at her and my full attention was entirely upon her partner and his guitar playing in that moment. It was quite a disconcerting experience. It left me bewildered and wondering where this impression to act came from.

In sharing all of this with her today, it was apparent that she knew it existed. It was also apparent that my bringing it out in the open for clarity and integrity to occur made her quite uncomfortable. In spite of the obvious crotch-gawking, and the potential sexual energy experienced, she didn't take ownership for any role in creating this energy. It calls to question the authenticity, integrity, accountability, and responsibility in this relationship and these encounters. I know this, particularly because I know myself, what attracts me and triggers that attraction.

Were I to be visually attracted, I most definitely know it. That level of  impact didn't exist from the get-go and it is always evident at the get-go with me. Were I to be emotionally attracted, I would have known much sooner as I felt a safe place for me to be more vulnerable. I have yet to reach that level with her. Were I to be intellectually attracted, I'm quite comfortable in friendship and don't give much or any consideration to pursuing a sexual encounter or relationship, particularly when she is in a relationship. Were it a spiritual attraction, the same thing applies, although I do encounter a sense of wantingi that kind of partner - it does not mean it is her. So what of the sexual attraction and what I did experience that prompted me to be so open today?

Once when I was around 30, a woman at work accused me of sexual harassment because I told her that she was flashing her panties to everyone across from the boardroom table. How anyone could miss this is beyond me. I was trying to do her a favor, thinking she must be oblivious to this or she'd posture herself quite differently. Last year, another woman accused me of sexual harassment when we were working together and I reached to take a bag of cat litter from her grasp. She had been holding it for me to tape up a tear, and then was going to give it back. Why did she drop her arms so suddenly as I reached for it? I didn't even touch her, but the action of reaching was used as an accusation that I threatened to fondle her! Ridiculous! Like a scaredy-pants like me would do such a thing.

Ironically, as I share these stories with women who do know me well, they all burst out laughing. That also makes me wonder how many of them might have hoped I'd have acted with them? Why are they laughing like that? And I wonder what it takes for a woman to take responsibility for what she is putting out there for the world, potential partners, or her own ego to experience? This is frank talk about our sexuality, our sexual behaviors, and accountability for what we create. I always hear that it takes two to tango, yet rarely see the evidence in ownership.

This message brought to you by Little Willy Bonkers